


The Snow King

by KeevaCaereni



Category: That Guy with the Glasses
Genre: Crack, Fairy Tales, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-19
Updated: 2012-01-19
Packaged: 2017-10-29 19:42:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KeevaCaereni/pseuds/KeevaCaereni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Snow Queen, but with Channel Awesome involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Snow King

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Emeriin and Timidfox, mostly so they don't kill me. XD

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy and girl in a village, called Critic and Chick. They played together every day, and though they were friends they fought often, for Chick was a meanypants and Critic was a big wussy baby. One day, after a particularly nasty fight, Chick had left Critic crying while she went off to do her chores and he was sulking out on the edge of the town, waiting for some cars to go by to hitch a ride on with his sleigh. It was snowing, and Critic tried to catch some snowflakes on his tongue, but a small shard got in his eye. He swore, trying to get it out. It felt like glass!

When he stopped rubbing at his eye frantically, there was a car coming down the empty road. It was long and black and sleek. It stopped next to him and Critic gaped as a boy his age got out.

The young boy looked exactly like him, and wore a white furry mantle that draped around him, keeping out the cold. Young Critic had spent all day outside, and looked enviously at the mantle. The other boy saw this and smiled.

"Would you like to get in out of the cold?" he said, gesturing at the car. Critic nodded eagerly and clambered in.

The other boy got in after him and wrapped him in the mantle, smoothing the fur against his cheek. "You're awfully pretty," he said. "Do you want to come back with me to my castle, so we can play together forever?"

Critic's eyes narrowed. This boy was an odd sort. "No, thank you. I can't leave this village until I've beaten the Chick. She's mean. And she pulls hair." He tried to get out of the car, regretfully giving back the lovely mantle.

That, however, was a mistake, for the other boy pulled out a knife from his belt and lashed out, catching him beneath his eye. He flung himself out, but the other boy lunged at him and dragged him back. He was the same weight as him, but he fought as dirty as the Chick did. The other boy flung him into the car, slammed the door, and signalled to the driver to set off. This he did, eyes glowing redly. The other boy turned back to him and smirked. "I'm Guy," he said, "and we're going to have lots of fun together. Yes."

 

* * *

 

Meanwhile, in the village, Chick had finally finished her chores and ran out into the square. "Critic! Where are you?" She looked everywhere, but could not find him. Eventually she slumped down in defeat at the side of the river. She stared glumly into the murky waters for a while, most definitely NOT sniffling at not finding him. Then she had an idea! Her mother had told her tales of the river answering questions if given something precious. So she took off her bowtie and placed it into the water. "Dear River, I give you my bowtie in exchange for an answer. Where is the Critic?"

The river replied, "He is in the North, in a great castle of snow. A boy with a heart as cold as ice took him for his playmate. He will not come back."

Chick fumed at the thought of some lousy BOY playing with her friend. She asked the river how to get there but there was no answer. She had nothing more precious to give.

But that wouldn't stop the Chick. She went and got her mother's hairdryer and the extension cord and went back to the river. "If you don't take me to the North, I shall drop this hairdryer in the river and electrocute you." The river saw that she was deadly serious and floated a little boat, just big enough for one person, and said to her, "Get in and float as far as the marshes. After that I can't help you. And for Admin's sake please don't hurt me.”

She did as he said and floated along for several days. When she got to the marshes she got out and wandered, lost. Presently she heard the sounds of a camp nearby and wandered towards it. The camp was a gang of thieves and robbers hiding in the marshes, and they set upon her and tried to kill her, but the little daughter of their chief, Emeriin, saw Chick and wanted to be her friend. So she asked her dad if she could keep her, and because he could not deny her anything, he said yes.

The little robber girl dragged the Chick by her arm to her sleeping bag and settled them both in. When they were comfortable she curled up next to the Chick and asked what she had been doing on the river. Chick told her story, about her friend the Critic who had been taken by the strange boy with a heart of ice, and how she had come to bring him home, because he was hers. When she had finished Emeriin wrinkled her nose and said, "I know this boy. I've met him. He's mean. Better if you stay with me instead." But Chick would not stray from her path. She knew that the Critic got scared on his own.

Emeriin was moved by her plight, and agreed to help her. She gave Chick her father's horse and directions to the North. "In exchange," she said, "I want to play with your Critic when you come back." They grinned at each other.

Emeriin told Chick to head north along the road. "I have two friends who live in the North. They will help you get to the castle of snow. Bring your boy with you when you come back, or I shall get cross." And with that the Chick set off.

 

* * *

 

Chick rode for many days along the road. Finally, when she was tired and the horse almost spent, she came across the first house Emeriin had mentioned. The garden was full of foxes, lying around a young girl with purple hair. Chick led the horse up the path, and called out to the girl. "Timid? Emeriin sent me. I'm looking for the way to the castle of snow. The boy there has my friend."

Timid led her into the house and gave her a good meal. She replaced the horse with one of her giant foxes, promising to return the horse to Emeriin. Then they settled down by the fire and told stories about monsters and machines, vampires and whores and zombies. Then they slept.

In the morning, Timid gave Chick a knife made of glass. "You may need this in the castle," she said. "Use it to bring your friend home. And to punish him, if necessary." Then she hugged Chick and sent her on the way to their next friend.

The fox ran fast and without stopping, through lands that grew colder and snowier as the days went by. Finally it slowed at a hut, where a young girl with curly hair was building snow banks to be shipped to fangirls in hot countries. Chick slid off the fox, which went and rolled in one of the snow banks, spraying snow over the girl, who squealed and threw snow back at it, before coming over to Chick. "Ey up" she said "I'm Keeva."

Keeva took Chick into her hut and gave her mulled wine and chocolate. She took Chick back into the bathroom, where there was an octopus waving its tentacles lazily over the top of its tank. Chick was left to have a hot bath while Keeva got the giant fox bedded down.

After Chick got out of her bed, they sat and Chick recounted her adventures so far, then they slept for many hours. In the morning, Keeva pressed a pair of handcuffs into her hands and pointed north-west. "Go that way for about a day. Please don't kill him, the fangirls need the snow, but you can always just tie him to something." She gave Chick a warm parka to keep out the cold, as the ice was too thin and dangerous to ride. After a brief hug and a lick from the fox, she set off on the final lap.

 

* * *

 

The way was arduous, but Chick was determined. She marched on all the way until finally the castle stood before her, glittering in the last throes of daylight. She crept into the castle, following the corridor into a large hall, all made of ice. In the centre of the hall were several large pieces of glass and a boy, sat all alone.

And do you know who it was?

It was the Critic! He wasn't wearing a coat, but he didn't shiver in the cold of the castle. The lack of coat made it easy for Chick to the see the tiny cuts all over him that had stopped bleeding from the cold. She rushed over to him and smacked him upside his head, but he didn't even look at her. He just continued sorting through the pieces of glass on the floor, as if searching for something. His hands were cut to ribbons, but he wouldn't stop, even when Chick called him a big girl and sang the Doug theme. She eventually sat back and stared in frustration.

Then a voice came from behind her. "He won't stop. Not many people know this, but if he manages to complete the puzzle then he's free to go. And believe me; he wants to go after what we've been playing."

Chick turned to see a perfect copy of Critic behind her, clad in a beautiful fur mantle. Guy smiled and blew his bubble pipe. Chick watched him warily, but when he made no move towards her she turned her back on him and looked at Critic. He'd almost completed the puzzle, but there was one piece missing. He searched for the last piece feverishly.

Chick watched him in desperation. Suddenly, from behind her there was a scuffling noise, as Guy tried to move. She whipped around, pulling out the glass knife that Timid had given her. She relaxed slightly when Guy stopped, but felt eyes on her. Critic was staring at the knife in her hand. The shape of it matched the hole in the puzzle!

She placed the knife in the gap and Critic looked up as if waking from a dream. Guy behind her made a dash for the exit but Chick lunged for him. There was a brief struggle, but when it was over Chick had Guy handcuffed to an icicle.

Critic laughed, prancing over to give Guy a mocking kiss on the cheek before grabbing Chick's hand and dragging her out. They took Guy's car on the way back, stopping off at Keeva's and Timid's and Emeriin's to return their gifts and have playtime with Critic. And when they got home, Chick thoroughly thrashed him at wrestling.

And they all lived happily ever after. The End!


End file.
